21 Famous Comedians Give Rock-Solid Dating, Relationship, And Marriage Advice

HA HA HA! Sigh ...

When it comes to love, there are only three things you can trust: your brain, your heart and your gut.

But we all know trusting those things is easier said than done. 

That cotton-candy-pink haze that new romance lays on us, that weakness us in the knees, and that gives us that fluttering sensation in the stomach, that wooziness — all of it can effortlessly overshadow whatever logical decisions we try to make.

That's when other people's experiences come in handy. And what better way to learn from others' happiness, or misery, than to hear it with a pinch of humor?

Check out this list of rock-solid relationship advice from some of our favorite comedians and up your love game like a boss:


1. "If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back." — Chelsea Peretti.

2. "True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." — Mindy Kaling.

3. "Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome." — Jerry Seinfeld.

4. "Relationships are easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it's hard to keep up the lie! You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative." — Chris Rock.

5. "Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns.

6. "When choosing sexual partners, remember: talent is not sexually transmittable." — Tina Fey.

7. "It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used to feel their warmth." — Rob Delaney.

8. "A small handmade trinket or a card is much more meaningful than anything you can purchase. And if your significant other scoffs at that and says something about diamonds, then you are with an asshole, and you should kick their dick out and watch Who's The Boss? reruns to salve your wounded heart." — Nick Offerman.

9. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell.

10. "If passionate love is the coke of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine or smoking a few hits of some mild weed. It is love, just less intense and more stable. There is still passion but it's balanced with trust, stability, and understanding of each other's flaws." — Aziz Ansari.

11. " 'Fuck it.' That's really the attitude that keeps a family together. It's not 'We love each other,' it's just 'Fuck it, man.' " — Louis CK.

12. "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally.

13. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck.

14. "Love? What's funny about it to me, honestly, is the ups and downs. When you first hear the word, people expect it to be the white picket fence and the puppies. The reality is, it's a commitment; it becomes a job to a certain degree." — Kevin Hart.

15. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller.

16. "When you first get married, you have a relationship that's so important to you, and you're working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, 'Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.' And you look at your spouse and go, 'Who the fuck are you? You're a stranger.' " — Louis CK.

17. "If you've held someone you love and watched 3 to 10 hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you've experienced the peak of human happiness." — Aziz Ansari.

18. "Ladies, I guarantee you if you take a shower with your boyfriend by the time you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean." — Sarah Silverman.

19. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."  Chelsea Handler.

20. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen.

21. "Don’t treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used. And don't try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a 'Batman' with a limited-edition silver batarang and therefore if it stays in its original packing it increases in value." — Amy Poehler.

Cover image via Aziz Ansari/Facebook


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